Elephant in the room

The Elephant in the Blog

Elephant in the room
There’s an elephant or two in this blog.

There’s an elephant or two in this blog that need to be brought out into the open.

Though suemckay.com is barely 5 weeks old, I have already posted several references to my not being a mother. I did it again today in a post I wrote about children not being able to blow out candles on cakes. I’ve a feeling that won’t be the last time, so I want to confront this mother-of-an-elephant in an attempt to stop it swinging its trunk so blatantly in my face.

When I was eight years of age, I held my nephew Brett Leighton Girardi in my arms for the first time. Brett was just a few weeks old and I recall I was cradling him while sitting in the dining chair where my mum would normally be sat. It was symbolic really, that that was the first time I acknowledged I wanted to be a mother.

Brett is now 36. I’m 45 and I’m still not a mum. But I still want to be, I think? Or perhaps I’m saying that out of habit, because it’s what I’ve said for the past 36 years.

Now, I could go into the painful explanations of why I’m childless. This happened, that happened, bla bla bla, et cetera, et cetera. It boils down to the fact that I was a bit of a retard in relationships and it took me a long time to mature emotionally and recognise the pattern I was in, continually choosing the wrong partner. By the time I had it figured out, I’d dated, was engaged to and bought property with men who had gambling problems, abused various substances and then there was the pick of the bunch who stole my money. Winners!

I was 40 when I woke up to myself, falling in love with the right man, but by then it was all a bit too late. Long story short, it’s going to take nothing less than a miracle for me to give birth now.

The question is, do I care?

Do I still want to be a mum?

I’m pretty sure the answer is no. However, should God bless me with a miracle, I will cry tears of joy. And Dave will probably cry his 51 year old tears of sufferance!

The truth is, I feel a lot of guilt when admitting that I’m happy not being a mum. Life is really good. Life is really easy. I come and go as I please. I sleep all night. I don’t have to worry about being a role model 24/7. It confuses me, because I love children. I always have, ever since I first held Brett in my arms.

To this day, when I hear a baby or a child cry, my natural instinct is to go towards them and comfort them. I want to hear what they have to say. That’s how I know I am meant to be a mum. How is it then, that I am not? The optimist in me says that this is yet more proof that we live more than one life on this earth and I will be back, next time as a mother.

Dave and I have a very relaxed lifestyle and we both love his children very much. But they aren’t of my blood. I didn’t give them life and neither did I to my eight nephews, eight nieces and four god-children.

I am blessed to have the presence of very special children in my life, those to whom I am an auntie, godmother, stepmother and friend. I remain however, happily childless.

Now elephant, be gone.

Sue McKay
Loving life as I boldly go where I've never been before. I'm a writer, photographer, and business owner of Kick It To Me Enterprises with a Grand-Canyon-sized vision involving my Nikon, sport, and my blog.

4 thoughts on “The Elephant in the Blog”

  1. Your blogs keep me so interested. Well said Sue it is what it is. I remember walking with a friend a few years back and she to was 46 at the time childless. I said in conversation gee I which I was you for a while to not have to worry about another person and feel rested. She turned to me and said ” gee I which I was you because I need someone to worry over and not be selfish”. Are we ever happy? I’m glad you are.

    1. Too true Linda. We make the mistake of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Still freaks me out that I have never had kids. If I really let myself think about it my head goes all skewy. What would I be like as a mum? How different would my life be? I will never know! Not in this life anyway ūüôā

  2. Love ur honesty sue and blessings to both u and Dave to know that what u get is what u needed to get xx may sound obtuse but you’ll know the wisdom in it!

    1. Thanks so much Myles. I understand what you’re saying. I had a big lesson to learn before I was, in my eyes, ‘good enough’ to be a mum, and by then it was too late. But I got what I needed and that was to learn the lesson. That lesson has made me very happy. That lesson was a lot bigger than just choosing the right person to be my partner. Life is bloody fantastic. And I’m very excited about what lies ahead. XO

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